In my youth the heart of dawn was in my heart, and the songs of April were in my ears.
But my soul was sad unto death, and I knew not why. Even unto
this day I know not why I was sad.
But now, though I am with eventide, my heart is still veiling
dawn,
And though I am with autumn, my ears still echo the songs of
spring.
But my sadness has turned into awe, and I stand in the presence
of life and life’s daily miracles.
The difference between my youth which was my spring, and these
forty years, and they are my autumn, is the very difference that exists between
flower and fruit.
A flower is forever swayed with the wind and knows not why and
wherefore.
But the fruit overladen with them honey of summer, knows that it
is one of life’s home-comings, as a poet when his song is sung knows sweet
content,
Though life has been bitter upon his lips.
In my youth I longed for the unknown, and for the unknown I am
still longing.
But in the days of my youth longing embraced necessity that
knows naught of patience.
Today I long not less, but my longing is friendly with patience,
and even waiting.
And I know that all this desire that moves within me is one of
those laws that turns universes around one another in quiet ecstasy, in swift
passion which your eyes deem stillness, and your mind a mystery.
And in my youth I loved beauty and abhorred ugliness, for beauty
was to me a world separated from all other worlds.
But now that the gracious years have lifted the veil of
picking-and-choosing from over my eyes, I know that all I have deemed ugly in
what I see and hear, is but a blinder upon my eyes, and wool in my ears;
And that our senses, like our neighbors, hate what they do not
understand.
And in my youth I loved the fragrance of flowers and their
color.
Now I know that their thorns are their innocent protection, and
if it were not for that innocence they would disappear forevermore.
And in my youth, of all seasons I hated winter, for I said in my
aloneness, “Winter is a thief who robs the earth of her sun-woven garment, and
suffers her to stand naked in the wind.”
But now I know that in winter there is re-birth and renewal, and
that the wind tears the old raiment to cloak her with a new raiment woven by
the spring.
And in my youth I would gaze upon the sun of the day and the
stars of the night, saying in my secret, “How small am I, and how small a
circle my dream makes.”
But today when I stand before the sun or the stars I cry, “The
sun is close to me, and the stars are upon me;” for all the distances of my
youth have turned into the nearness of age;
And the great aloneness which knows not what is far and what is
near, nor what is small nor great, has turned into a vision that weighs not nor
does it measure.
In my youth I was but the slave of the high tide and the ebb
tide of the sea, and the prisoner of half moons and full moons.
Today I stand at this shore and I rise not nor do I go down.
Even my roots once every twenty-eight days would seek the heart
of the earth.
And on the twenty-ninth day they would rise toward the throne of
the sky.
And on that very day the rivers in my veins would stop for a
moment, and then would run again to the sea.
Yes, in my youth I was a thing, sad and yielding, and all the
seasons played with me and laughed in their hearts.
And life took a fancy to me and kissed my young lips, and
slapped my cheeks.
Today I play with the seasons. And I steal a kiss from life’s
lips ere she kisses my lips.
And I even hold her hands playfully that she may not strike my
cheek.
In my youth I was sad indeed, and all things seemed dark and
distant.
Today, all is radiant and near, and for this I would live my
youth and the pain of my youth, again and yet again.
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