I’ll never forget the time I overheard one of my high-school
classmates repeatedly calling herself stupid in front of the bathroom mirror.
When I recognised her voice, chills ran down my spine. I’d always thought of
her as one of the kindest people in the whole school. I was shocked to hear how
cruel she was to herself when she thought she was on her own.
From a young age,
we learn how to be a good friend to others. In kindergarten or nursery school,
we’re taught how to share, cooperate and play. Any child who calls other kids
dumb, losers or ‘fart face’ is swiftly scolded or given a time out. All in all,
we grow up learning to follow the golden rule: ‘Treat others how you want to be
treated.’
Yet many of us
receive no guidance on how to be a friend to ourselves. In fact, we
might even get counterproductive messaging about what it means to treat
ourselves with kindness. We might come to believe that being kind towards
ourselves is self-indulgent, lazy or weak.
As a clinical
psychologist in training, I’ve discovered such self-beratement is commonplace.
For example, people often judge their bodies, work performance or parenting
abilities by standards to which they’d never hold others. Many people call
themselves names they’d never dare utter to friends or family members, or even
to people they dislike.
It’s little
surprise that the psychological concept of ‘self-compassion’ is cloaked in
controversy. At its core, self-compassion involves treating yourself with the
same kindness and consideration with which you’d treat a loved one. Just as
compassion begins by recognising another’s pain, self-compassion begins by recognising
when you, yourself, are suffering. A self-compassionate response, according to
a leading self-compassion researcher, Kirstin Neff at the University of Texas,
entails three critical ingredients:
- self-kindness: offering yourself warmth and
understanding rather than self-judgment;
- common humanity: remembering that all human
beings make mistakes and experience pain, rather than feeling isolated in
your suffering; and
- mindfulness: observing your thoughts and
emotions in a balanced way, without becoming consumed by them.
I’ve found that the
idea of self-compassion elicits reactions ranging from an enthusiastic ‘Sign me
up!’ to suspicion or even fear.
Upon the mere mention of self-compassion, a host of thoughts can bubble up:
‘Self-compassion is just not for me.’ ‘Aren’t people too soft on themselves
these days?’ ‘I need self-criticism to motivate me to achieve my goals.’ Or,
‘If I’m self-compassionate, won’t I just sit on the couch and eat Ben and
Jerry’s all day?’
These beliefs have
consequences, including affecting how people respond to life’s challenges. For
instance, in one study,
my colleagues Patricia Chen, Jamil Zaki and I looked into the coping strategies
used by people who were disappointed and upset following the outcome of the
2016 US presidential election. Those who viewed self-compassion positively were
more likely than others to draw upon self-compassion in a beneficial way to
help them get through the difficult times – for instance, they reported using
more active strategies to manage their emotions, such as seeking support from
others, and relied less upon unhelpful strategies, such as distraction or
self-blame. This not only helped them feel better, it worked better too – our
participants who practised more self-compassion reported having more intentions
to improve themselves and the situation, such as by committing to become more
politically active.
Our work echoes
what research finds time and time again – self-compassion is a healthy response
to suffering. It is critical not only to our wellbeing but
also helps us rise to challenges. For example, other researchers have found
that self-compassion helps people take personal responsibility for
transgressions and persist following
obstacles, such as a disappointing test grade. Contrary to assumptions that
self-compassion is selfish, self-compassion even helps us to be kinder
towards others.
All of this might sound counterintuitive: how can something as unassuming as
self-compassion help us become better, more resilient versions of ourselves?
An
interesting thing happens when we’re
self-compassionate – it becomes safe for us to admit our missteps to ourselves.
Think about it this way: would you rather share an embarrassing mistake with
someone with a track record of responding kindly – or with someone who might
fly off the handle with harsh criticism?
In this way, when
mistakes or perceived failures arise, self-compassionate people are able to
recognise them for what they are: normal human happenings. Then, without the
heavy baggage of self-criticism and shame, it’s easier for self-compassionate
people to grow, improve and move forward bravely.
In her popular
TEDx talk from
2013, Neff offered a helpful analogy for understanding why self-compassion works
so well. Imagine that a child returned home from school upset, having received
a failing grade in mathematics. A parent could respond with harsh criticism,
expressing disappointment, anger or even shame. They could yell and question
the intellect of the child. For a short while, the child might study harder.
But over time, the child could become depressed and quit mathematics
altogether, as the consequences of failing again are too high. Alternatively, a
parent could respond to the child with compassion, recognising and validating
the child’s feelings of disappointment (eg, ‘I can tell how upset you are. That
sounds really tough’), reminding them that everyone struggles occasionally, and
helping them maintain a balanced perspective (eg, ‘There are still more quizzes
ahead of you. Let’s figure out together how we can help you feel prepared and
ready for the next one’).
Notice that the
compassionate response didn’t involve turning a blind eye to the test grade.
Nor did it entail stroking the child’s ego. Instead, it involved creating a
safe and nurturing environment, where mistakes are OK for the child to
confront.
Put another way,
your words of self-talk are the fuel: you can choose to fill your tank with
either criticism or compassion. Both will get you moving, but the
self-compassionate variety lasts longer and causes less harm to the engine in
the end. When you’re kind towards yourself, you’ll find it easier to confront
life’s many challenges, whether that be studying after receiving a failing test
grade, apologising to someone after losing your cool, or returning to the gym
even when you feel weak. Importantly, self-compassion enables us to confront
these hurdles head-on, without becoming consumed by feelings of inadequacy.
Self-compassion
is not an elusive trait that only some
people can possess. There are concrete ways for us all to cultivate compassion,
both for others and for ourselves. Researchers have created programmes (eg, the
Mindful Self-Compassion programme), workbooks and resources to help
people build greater self-compassion. We can train our self-compassion muscle
in various ways, for example, through writing exercises
(eg, writing a letter to oneself from the perspective of an unconditionally
caring friend), imagery or meditations. These exercises train us to respond to
our own pain or perceived inadequacies just like we’d respond to those of a
friend – with encouragement and caring.
And yet, if you’re
like most people, getting to the self-compassion gym is the hardest part. If
you have doubts that the gym will bring any benefits, you’re unlikely to visit!
Encouragingly, in our work, we
found that just changing participants’ beliefs about the usefulness of
self-compassion helped them cope better with challenges. When we told people
that the research shows that self-compassion actually improves motivation
rather than harming it, they were subsequently more likely to practise
self-compassion during difficulties. This, in turn, helped them to cope better
and seek self-improvement.
Our work thus
underscores the importance of taking the time to understand and gently correct
your assumptions about
self-compassion. Doing so could help you respond more effectively to the
inevitable bumps in the road ahead.
First, notice
what beliefs you have about self-compassion. Ask yourself: what have other
people told you, either through words or actions, about self-compassion? Did
parental figures in your life practise compassion? If so, did they include
themselves within their sphere of compassion? What do you believe would happen
if you were self-compassionate? What do you think would happen if you let go of
harsh self-criticism?
Next, notice
how you talk to yourself. If you’re like most people, your mind is filled
with a steady stream of chatter and yet, just like when you mindlessly consume
popcorn during a movie without noticing its texture or flavour, you might not
pause to reflect on your self-talk. Does it tend to be negative?
Do you hold yourself to impossible standards? You’ll be spending the rest of
your life with this voice, so take the time to truly get to know it and
consider making conscious adjustments if necessary.
Finally, check
your assumptions about self-compassion. Remember that, time and time again,
researchers find that self-compassion not only helps us feel better but has
positive practical consequences too. Self-compassion is a powerful motivational
tool that can help you persist, even in the face of challenges.
At first,
self-compassion might feel foreign, scary or difficult. Be patient with
yourself. Remember that self-compassion is about relating to yourself in a more
constructive and nurturing way, and that it might take time to develop. It’s
not about feeling good all the time. I’ve seen how, just like beginning a new
physical workout regimen, the journey to relate to yourself with compassion can
be difficult, even painful at the start.
For many people,
self-compassion is a radically different approach than they’re used to – it
means having compassion for yourself that’s unconditional, regardless of your
circumstances or achievements. This stands at odds with a culture that often
rewards us for accomplishments, capital and accolades. Where the ego whispers a
siren’s call (achieve more, do better, and you will be worthy),
self-compassion is the reliable friend that we all deserve (I believe in
you, I’m here for you, no matter what).
Thinking back to my
high-school classmate berating herself in front of the bathroom mirror, I wish
she could have known that she didn’t have to be her own bully. If she’d
believed in the power of self-compassion, I might have instead overheard a
self-compassionate pep talk: ‘Receiving that bad test score really hurt, but it
doesn’t say anything bad about me as a person. I know that other people in
class are struggling, too, and that I’m not alone in this. I’ll ask for help on
how to study more effectively, and get the support I need and deserve.’ In my
clinical work and research, I’ve seen that self-compassion is a resiliency
supercharger. If my classmate could have befriended herself, I bet she’d have
found school would improve, and her life down the road would have grown much
richer.
Know
that this applies to you, too. While the journey towards cultivating greater
self-compassion might seem daunting, it’s worthwhile. With you by your own
side, you will be unstoppable.
Self-compassion is not self-indulgence: here’s how to try it | Psyche Ideas
