Language is
powerful. One word can make or break a conversation. Yes, most of what we
communicate lies in the unspoken, the space between the words or energy
underlying them; but the words you choose have the power to bring someone
closer to your heart or further away.
Connection—the tube
The heart of communication is connection. Consider connection to be like a tube
running from my heart to yours. The wider the tube, the larger the connection;
the more can be passed through, felt and experienced between us. That tube is
never static—it’s always changing given how something
is communicated and what is being
communicated. The tube, or openness between two people, fluctuates
moment-to-moment depending on the words chosen, one’s energy and body
language—the three main aspects of communication.
Let’s turn to
words…
If someone says to
you, “You need to join that class”, that may make you feel uncomfortable, which
would then shrink the tube and thus connection. But if they say, “I think you
may enjoy that class”, then you are likely to be more receptive and open, and
the connection expands. And when the tube of connection broadens, there is more
room between you to share authentically, vulnerably. You may want to engage
them on why they think this way.
We know what it’s
like when a conversation and connection expands in dimension. There is flow and
openness in the dialogue, an aliveness, a feeling of being present with the
other, even if only for 30 seconds. There’s an unspoken permission to be
ourselves because the spaciousness of the tube invites it. More is allowed in
and out.
Safety & Invitation
With the example of “I think you may
enjoy that class”, you can feel that it is inviting. Inviting
language creates safety to reflect and have
agency or choice. Both “I think” and “may” give room to the other to make their
own decision. They invite consent to the proposed idea.
“May” is what’s called tentative language. Tentative, because like “perhaps”,
“maybe” and “might”, the word “may” implies not being stuck in a rigid holding
pattern of truth or expectation. It leaves safe space for further conversation,
for options and exploration, for a yes, no, maybe or I wonder.
By contrast, “You need to join
that class” is directive, even if said lightly. How it is received depends on
the person’s sensitivity, the context of the conversation and your
relationship. Generally, though, when people are told what to think or do it
often engenders a reaction. “You need…” can instigate quiet or overt push back,
withdrawal or shut down. Less energy is spent on safe reflection (wondering)
and engagement and more on defending one’s interest not to be told what to do—not to go to that class.
When this happens,
connection suffers. The tube closes down a bit, or a lot. It becomes harder to
share from the heart and hear the heart. It can then take time or a time out to
rebuild the connection.
In short, safety is
about invitation and invitation is about safety. In essence they
communicate: I invite you to consider this; I invite you to hear how I
feel; I invite you to know what I need; I invite you into my heart, my
world; I invite you, and you get to choose. Safe and inviting language
brings people into your heart, and theirs. It opens the tube of
connection.
“I miss…”
One of my favourite
ways to demonstrate safety and invitation is by saying “I miss…”. Here are some
examples:
·
I
miss being alone
·
I
miss being alone with you
·
I
miss my friends
·
I miss
(your) touch
·
I
miss laughter
·
I
miss camping
·
I
miss bread
·
I
miss us
·
I
miss you
You can see that
the focus can be on self, other, the relationship, experiences or things.
In the context of
relationship, a beautiful way to express your needs is to say what you miss. In
many communication trainings we are taught to say, “I need…” or “I have a need
for…”, both of which are generally safe and inviting ways to communicate. But
there is something eloquent and soft about “I miss…”.
See the difference
for yourself:
·
I
need more time / intimacy with you
·
I
have a need to be (intimate) with you more
·
I
miss being with you
Can you feel the
difference?
With the third
example, you don’t even need to say “intimate”. The tender eloquence of the
sentence implies it. It’s actually quite a romantic way of speaking.
Feeling into the energy of “I miss…”,
you can sense the fragrance of longing. There is a
poetic, vulnerable and appreciative undertone that touches closer to the soul
that “needing” does not quite reach. The longing of “I miss” has a nostalgia about it that invites the other into
days past when the flicker of light between you shone brighter. It invites the
person into memories (reflection) where feelings arise that create an inner
connection to the heart of old times and lost time, and perhaps a longing to
return to what was.
“I miss” is that
powerful. You don’t need to say much. Just saying those five words—”I miss
being with you.”—, or even “I miss you”, followed by silence, says it
all.
Tending to your heart
This is my
invitation to you. Play with “I miss…”. Remember to pay attention to your tone.
Speak gently, and ideally when you can feel the other present with you. Set
aside a time in the evening after the kids are put to bed and hopefully you are
both not too exhausted. Light a candle. Take a breath. Look into the other’s
eyes and share what you miss.
Remember, by saying
what you miss you are speaking from your heart. You are giving it a voice. And
it’s only from the heart that we can truly connect.
Tending to the
heart is the heart of the matter, here. By acknowledging and thus connecting to
your heart and what it misses, irrespective of how the other responds, you are
giving yourself more to heartfelt living. You are living more true to yourself,
and the other.
No comments:
Post a Comment